Friday, July 08, 2005

Rap Crap


According to some stupid show I saw on TV last night but was too lazy to get up and actually change the channel, Tupac Shakur's new CD just hit the shelves to be bought by the avid rap consumers that just can't get enough of that "thang".

Let's now take a moment to understand the implications of that sentence. I'm sure you're as baffled as I am.

Tupac Shakur, shot dead in 1998, just released a new album. Not only that, but this is his SEVENTH, and I'll repeat that, SEVENTH venture in the phonographic business after his own death!

Now, I may be impartial to write something about rap, being that I lack the level of brain damage required to at least not hate it so much. Rap, hip hop and their by-products can be hardly even considered coherent productions that one would atribute to beings gifted with intelect, let alone be considered music.

Given the fact that I attended to DASS, the blackest school outside Nigeria, it's safe to say I've heard my share of hip hop music (and I use the term "music" loosely here) for this lifetime and a couple next, when I will undoubtly pay for all my present sins by the means of reincarnating as toilet seat in a retirement home.

And my feelings about the "style" are quite straightfoward. Imagine a dead hobo being ground into a fine powder and that powder being added to some week-old feces and the feces being ground into a powder and added to the remnants of the Pope's (the dead one) bathwater. After sitting in the sun for approximately three weeks, stewing in its own juices, the sensation experienced when eating this ball of disease would come somewhere close to approximating the pain caused by the rappers kids that used to bring CD's from their personal collection to play throughout the classes.

Tupac, the most talented dead man in History

Many of them, if inquired about rap music, would allegate that it envolves a fair amount of talent. I can easily debunk this arguement by reminding them that if a dead man can record and launch SEVEN CDs from the grave, each of which winning category awards, one should question the amount of "talent" envolved. There's no more talent envolved in making rap music than there is in shooting the walls with an air gun loaded with fresh monkey shit.

So, although rap is a sack of rotting cat vomit and wouldn't touch it with my dead grandmother's rotting arm, I still feel entitled to an opinion about Mr. Shakur's lastest album. So I ran an extensive research, and by "ran an extensive research" I really mean "replaced 'lesbian hardcore sex action with midgets' on the query bar on Google with 'shakur crappy new cd'".

What I found out was somewhat entertaining. Some rap fans dwell on the illusion their lord and master, Tupac, is somehow magically impervious to 9mm bullets and didn't die that night in Vegas. These smart fellows firmly and trully believe that Tupac is alive and well somewhere, being all gangsta and doing things un-dead gangstas do such as record super smashing CDs.

The fact that these people believe their idol is still alive escapes my logic, possibly due to the fact it makes no sense, or that I really don't care. Nonetheless, I have a lotta free time in my hands and decided to conduct a study on this creed.

I copied excerpts of a certain "Tupac Fans #1 Resource for all things Tupac and Mortgage Quotes" website. My next article will explain the reasons why some people think this guy is still alive. Rest assured they are all about as reasonable as making a space shuttle out of napkins, cuetips and used razor blades.


At 9:36 AM, Blogger Speed Racer said...

You know what I realize? Your sense of humor is exactly the same in english. You're a maniac of weird comparisons. But it's funny, at least to me...

So... Rap sucks... I totally agree...

No, I won't say BIG FAT FIRST ONE or anything like that. Be cool.

At 10:54 AM, Anonymous MeL said...

O man Izzy! Yet another entry to boggle my mind! Well, it doesn't really boggle my mind, it just makes me laugh my ass off at such humor which is clearly true! More of these man, and the t-shirt idea seems pretty cool!! I support ya on that dude!


At 12:24 PM, Blogger Mrs. Brightside said...

Oh man, I DO hate rap, hip hop, R&B and everything like that. I have no idea how much I hate those things... it's not even funny. I hate it, H-A-T-E it. I wish all of them died murdered like this "2pac". Ew, they're disgusting...

At 7:08 PM, Anonymous lab said...

I like the rap songs that I hear at GTA San Andreas radios :~

At 12:44 AM, Blogger Empress_Aislygn said...

If you wanna support him, Mel, just buy one. I did it... come on! All the cool kids are doing it! ;D
Has anyone noticed the lack of the ability for 2pac's fans to measure up to the wierdos who think elvis is alive? Clearly, they're all fucked up:Elvis isn't alive; he's a vampire. He made 2 pac into a vampire, too, and so now, they walk the streets together, looking for the perfect friend chicken, and the endless persuit of Inkubus Sukkubus singer Cindy, or Ville Valo of H.I.M. fame, to complete the absolute strangest trio since D.C. Talk. Eventually, when they become this fantastically tune-challenged trio, they will release a collaboration so pathetic, the apocalyptical signs will all die off, giving up on mankind as an already doomed race, and leave us in peace. All the alien races will withdraw their forces, sending the prematurely lightened and terribly lopsided earth off-orbit, at which point it will go careening into the sun, causeing a massive chain reaction that will result in the destruction of Jupiter. On Alpha Centauri, It'll be a meteor shower, and the little priests of Jyaouhaug will read this as a sign of impending enlightenment, starting a galaxy-wide revival in haugenism... It's all an elaborate plan for Haugen's Chicken house to make a profit... yep! Planetary destruction for capitalism... you knew it was coming. Come on. 2Pac + Elvis? Obviously Capitalist!

At 12:37 AM, Anonymous Bebba said...

friggin hell, Ashlygn, ur my hero<3

At 9:16 PM, Blogger Empress_Aislygn said...

*grins* yeah, i know! i love you, too!

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