Saturday, July 09, 2005

Rap Crap, part II

As I said in the last article, I came across a interesting website that explains to us - or poorly tries too - why Tupac is not rotting under the ground.

This website has got to be the funniest things I've seen since my dad tried to sing Chop Suey by System of a Down. Some of the allegations are incorrect, some of them are uneducated, and the rest is just downright stupid, which makes me wonder how many times the author of such conspiracy theory flunked 4th grade. Without further adue or attempts to make funny remarks based on the lack of intelligence of rap enthusiasts, let's analyze what these guys say.

"Most fans (over 83% in a recent survey) still hold on to the belief that Tupac Shakur may still be alive."

I'm pretty sure 98.5% of all children between 5 and 10 years old hold on to the belief that Santa Claus exists, and although that proves Santa is quite popular, it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't exist. Then again, everyone knows 26.9% of all statistics are wrong, and that 56.8% of them are usually made up.

"There are many suspicious details about his departure that contribute to this."

Many suspicious details indeed. Suspiciously brace yourselves for the sheer amount of suspiciousness we'll examine:


"The uncontested facts:

After leaving the Tyson fight on Saturday September 7, 1996, Tupac was allegedly shot 5 times. He lived through the shooting and was taken to a nearby hospital. He was pronounced dead on Friday September 13, 1996.

Ok. Now...

"The suspicious facts:

Friday the 13th is a very suspicious day.

Wow! They got that right. Friday 13 is suspiciously similar to a series of crappy scary and unintentionally funny movies with the same suspicious name. Therefore, Tupac must be alive!

Rappers 1, Logic 0.

"There were never any pictures released of Tupac in the hospital."

I never saw pictures of Elvis in a hospital either. I'll assume that means he never went to a hospital? Hell, I've been in hospitals several times myself. I guess since I didn't take any pictures, that must've only happened in my own twisted mind.

Rapper line of thinking: Since every moment of every person's life is always thoroughly registered in film, the lack of evidence proving someone was in a hospital in some point in time is EVIDENTLY a proof that they never were in a hospital!

Please forgive the doctors and nurses for their preoccupation with useless things such as scalps and needles while the real imporant thing - taking a picture of Tupac agonizing - goes unnoticed.

Oh, it gets better, fellows.

"In the song "Life Goes On", Tupac raps about his own funeral. "

Tupac must've had some sort of clairvoyant skill or perhaps x-men mutant powers, being that no human being suspects that they will one day die and therefore would never consider their own funeral.

Tupac, you must be alive indeed.

"The driver of the car in which Tupac was riding, Suge Knight (the executive producer of Death Row Records), didn't show up for questioning about the shooting. "


"The video "I ain't Mad at Cha" was released only a few days after his death."

The production and release of an album is not directly involved with the artist. If anything, this statement only proves rap fans do not understand how the music industry works (but then again, assuming rap fans understand anything about music would be a major misconception).

"I ain't Mad at Cha" is track 13 on the album All Eyes On Me. The video shows Tupac as an angel in heaven. In the video, Tupac was shot after leaving a theater with a friend, which is very similar to how he was shot in real life.

You know, it's because of situations like this they invented the word "coincidence". So people didn't waste their lives with stuff like "signs from destiny" or "Tupac recording videos to tell the fans he's alive!".

"Interestingly, Tupac dies in his last video released under the name "2Pac". His new video "Toss It Up" from the new album was released under the name "Makaveli". The second video to be released by the name Makaveli is "To Live and Die in L.A." But how could they shoot the second video when he is "dead". Was the video really shot 4 months before his death, back in August of '96? "

Yes, it was.

You know what's the difference between shooting videos is editing already existing footage?

There is none. All it takes to make a video of a dead "artist" (and I'm using the term loosely here) is get some footage of the "artist" in question and superimpose the "music" (again, since I'm referring to rap, the term "music" is used irresponsibly).

In the video "Hail Mary" released under the name Makaveli, there is a gravestone that says Makaveli. But the gravestone is cracked and there is a hole right in front of it, inferring that Makaveli rose from the dead.

I've seen a movie where a guy goes back in time, does that mean people can actually go back in time? What about that dream where everything was virtual reality and people bent spoons and dodged bullets and said "woah"? Something I saw on TV could never be unreal or fictional, right?

Please, Tupac fans, help me figure this out.

"A shooting involving Snoop Doggy Dogg occurred close to the release of his album Doggystyle. The shooting made Snoop appear more "real" and showed his fans that he really was a gangsta."

I'm still trying to figure out what the hell that has to do with anything.

"In December '96, Tupac's new album went platinum. In interviews prior to the shooting, Tupac talked about how he wanted to stop rapping and being a gangsta and get out of the limelight. What is the only way Tupac could completly escape the media spotlight ??? (Answer: if the public thought he was dead.) "

EXACTLY, he could never quit, or go in a hiatus, or take a break, or vacations, or whatever. The only way the poor guy could have some rest is by faking his own death!

"Tupac always wore a bulletproof vest, no matter where he went. Why did he remove it at a very public event like a Tyson fight? "

Uh... because it was, hmm, I don't know, A PUBLIC EVENT, which therefore decreases the chance of being assaulted?

People avoid dark deserted alleys for a reason other than the smell of hobo urine, you know.

"In most of his songs he talks about being buried, so why was he allegedly cremated the day after he "died"? And since when do they cremate someone the day after death in a murder case? "

You know, after you're dead, it's impressive the lack of input you get in the decision of what do to with your corpse.

"Tupac studied Machiavelli in depth while in prison was a fan and had read his books several times. Perhaps Tupac is taking his advice."

Or perhaps he just got shot and bit the dust. Like, you know, anyone who had feuds with dangerous people and cought bullets with the chest in front of a large crowd of eye-witnesses.

"Machiaveli wrote two books before his death. Look at what the All Eyez on Me disks are called.. Machiavelli's books were called, "Book 1," and, "Book 2." The CD's of, "All Eyez On Me," are entitled the same"

Your point being...?

"One of Machiavelli's books is, "Discourses Upon The First Ten Books Of Titus Livy," which it's claimed Tupac read in jail."

Your point being...???

"Some say that Tupac modified the Machiavelli name because if you rearrange the letters, they spell, "Am Alive," or, "I Am Alive." "

Now that makes perfect sense. The guy stages his own death in front of dozens of people to avoid the hassle of being in the media spotlight, and then goes out of his supposedly dead way to give out clues that he is in fact alive.

Step aside, Einstein. Tupac is the real genious of this century.

"Tupac's album All Eyes on Me was released on Feb.13, 1996. Tupac "died" on Sept.13, 1996. It is quite a coincidence that the two dates are exactly 7 months apart. "

No, it's no coincidence. A coincidence is when two events that are not under human control happen in a way in which one can assert similarities between them. A album release is a human decision; someone can merely choose to release it in that day, therefore, rap fans are stupid and will be the first agaisnt the wall when the revolution comes.

"Tupac officially died at 4:03 PM. 4+3 = 7 Also he "died" at an age of 25 years. 2+5 = 7. It seems as if seven is Tupac's number."

In this point the conspiracy theorists do simple math questions in order to hide the fact that they are half-witted losers - watch them fail miserably.

"There is nothing in the new album that says TUPAC RIP 1971-1996. Wouldn't it make sense to include something like that in the first album after his "death"?"

Yes, maybe. But then again, that doesn't prove anything, does it?

And there you have it.

Now if you'll excuse me, 50 Cent is on TV showing his new bullet hole.


At 5:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday? Woah...

At 5:17 PM, Blogger Empress_Aislygn said...

Hey, you. Nice going. When's that thing about the cars gonna happen? I wanna hear of a pair of girls mentioned.... Tell a little anecdote, Izzy! Ice cream, my place, kay?

At 7:34 PM, Anonymous Jebbica++ said...

Heyy ibby , Good article, thing ususally dont attract my attention much but this did, Good Job.. Jebby

At 8:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ae quarto!

At 9:33 PM, Anonymous +Viki+ said...

ALright, so I fell off my couch laughing and snorting. this article cheered me up, Now im gunna go annoy my friend who likes cRAP.

At 11:13 PM, Anonymous Messiah said...

Well, I have to admit...
I am Tupac Shakur. I am alive, and I have been kept hostage in Iraq.

Please, help me.

At 12:20 AM, Anonymous Bebba said...

What are the odds that the man who staged his own death is in a country surrounded by death everyday? huh... I friggin love ur sense of logic in this Izzy <3. And yes, getting out of the limelight DOES mean staging ur own death. Look at what Krusty the Klown did on the Simpsons (with the crashing of his plane and then trying to become a sailor)

At 11:04 AM, Anonymous pulpfiction said...

Gotta love these conspiracy crappy sites.

Did you ever hear about the John Titor bullshit? It'd be interesting to see an article about this one... google it, there's a lot of texts about it.

At 12:19 AM, Anonymous Messiah said...

There is a theory in which they say that Paul McCartney died some time after the Beatles became famous, and they tried to hide it, so they got somekind of clone and this kind of thing, but Lennon didn't like it and sent meesages through their musics to the fans telling the truth. And that's way they shot him.
It´s a very funny and fantastic theory, and the site in which I read it is somekind of gospel. You can imagine what kind of shit I found there, then.


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