Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Dragon Crap Z

I just don’t get Dragonball Z. Despite being the smartest person in the entire planet and maybe in the closest ones, I am unable to comprehend how this show has stayed on the air for this long, how it has such a large army of adoring fans despite not making any sense whatsoever, and how the creators of the show are able to go out in public without having a wide assortment of heavy things thrown at them, like pianos or 747s.

The few times I’ve seen it, it appeared to consist mostly of strangely-proportioned anime characters with 400 pounds of muscle flying through the air throwing flashy colored balls at each other, each of which destroys an area the size of Mexico while somehow failing to harm the person it explodes next to, accompanied by dialogue primarily composed of exaggerated grunts and incoherent screams.

The storyline in Dragon Ball Z is probably the most predictable thing ever imagined by a human brain, besides the movie Titanic ("Wow, a movie about the Titanic, the most infamous shipwreck in human history. I wonder how this movie goes"):

There's the main character, someone named Goku. He's all tough and shit. Actually, not only tough and shit, he's the TOUGHEST in the universe. Althought he's supposed to be the most strong dude in the whole fuckin galaxy (hence making competition unfair to anyone who's not driving a armored assault vehicle) the creators pull the same crap every week: some stronger dude comes along and do something like killing the entire population of a planet, or blowing one up. That's how creative they are.

Where the stronger dude came from, considering Goku was "the stronger in the universe", I do not know.

That's the whole premise of Dragon Ball Z: Stronger dudes coming along. It's like high school all over again, except you couldn't fly in high school and there were no androids.

Oops, I forgot something: the stronger dude is always:

a) An alien
They are always bad guys.

b) A robot
They are always up to no good.

c) An alien robot
Wow, aren't we creative? Now that's something no one would expect: the mix of the most classical enemies in the series.

d) The son of one the characters, who came from, brace yourself for this one, THE FUTURE.
Hell, they already shoved aliens and robots down our throats. If they're going for non-sense, why not go all the way? In a show featuring green flying dudes who shoot purple balls of energy and super giant space mutant monkeys, time travel is one the least outrageous concepts.

And, of course, the classical "enemy-who-becomes-friend" plot twist. I mean, it's an interesting theme, when it doesn't happen like 40 times in the series. It becomes obvious, like the rest of show: if Goku is kicking someone's butt in today's episode, chances are he's gonna be having a milk shake with them in next week's episode. Then comes along an even stronger dude, which is an alien robot from Neptune, and try to kick their butts. He becomes their new milk shake buddy faster than you can say "Kamehameha!".

I have a theory that explain this weird fenomenom: notice that by now, Earth's population has been murdered and ressucitated like five times, so the bad guys are running out of people to kill. Having nothing else better to do, they decide to join to good guys to protect a planet which they know have immortal people. What's the point in killing people who keep coming back from their graves? I guess that's why 100% of all enemies who appeared in the show end up becoming good guys.

- Ah, fuck this shit. These earthlings just won't die. Let's play some videogames and wait for the next dumbass to show up, only to realize it's useless to fight against people who will keep coming back to life. Pass me that frozen yogurt.

Bad guys in the cartoon become good guys BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO. Hell, better that than getting a job in a cartoon company and creating a bad anime.

Notice that becoming a good guy for having nothing else better to do implies that there's probably no sex in the DBZ world. Who goes flying around and shooting colorful energy balls when they can have some good humping instead? I wouldn't.

That would explain why Goku never raped any chick. Police wouldn't be able to nail the bastard, what is he waiting for?


All that makes watching a DBZ episode as entertaining as driving rusty nails thru the ears of your own grandma.

Man, I hate that cartoon.


At 7:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How do Know all this Info?
You Must watch DBZ all the time.
Real dedicated fan.
Keep it up.

At 5:28 PM, Anonymous Izzy Nobre said...

Actually, it only takes about one hour (the timespan of two episodes) to realize what the entire show is about.

At 7:51 PM, Anonymous Sameer said...

Hey Izzy,
I've actually had same feelings for DBZ.
I just love the way those balls erupt from just nowhere. Oh! man.. all those nuclear scientists are fools, they should learn from DBZ!
Well, you didn't say about Vegeta. I better go watch 'Kung-fu Hustle'

Anyway, nice post!

At 2:17 PM, Blogger MeL said...

I've never seen it, so I wouldn't know! Later izzman


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